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Saturday, February 14th, 2004
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9:12 pm - Back in L.A.
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I have finally returned home to L.A. from my top secret assignment from the paper.The first thing I did when I arrived (after unpacking) was stop by the shelter to see if Anne was around, but, alas, they told me she was out. I was slightly let-down; it would have been nice to see a familiar face after being away so long. I returned home to the apartment, opened a bottle of wine, and read the piles of L.A. Times that Chad, my neighbor, had been collecting for me since I left.
I was reading an issue from about two weeks ago when I saw it. I was scanning the obituaries (you know you're from Sunnydale when reading the obits in the paper is an everyday activity) when I saw a name I recognized. A name that burned my heart instantly. Cordelia Chase. The girl I had longed for since we were kids. The girl I had pined for all through high school. Cordelia is dead. She never woke up from her coma, apparently. When I had learned of her coma, I'd always held out hope that she would someday come out of it. Not that she would wake up and suddenly come track me down and profess some fantasy crush on me, but that she would just come out of it and continue living. Now that chance is gone.
The thing I have learned from Cordy's death is that you should take nothing for granted. Things don't always work out the way you planned or hoped. Something that is here today may not be here tomorrow. You can't assume that things will stay the same forever. Things change. People die, or move away. Friends change, from people you know and love into total strangers. TV shows get canceled. Buildings burn down, or are demolished. So I guess what I'm trying to say (in my own pretentious little way) is that I have learned from Cordelia to live my life to the fullest and to make each day worth something. That's how I think Cordelia lived her life, and that's how I intend to live mine.
Happy Valentine's Day, Cordelia Chase. Wherever you are.
current mood:  melancholy
current music: "My Immortal" -- Evanescence
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| Thursday, January 1st, 2004
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3:43 am - Well, I'm back . . .
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I haven't been around in a long time. For several months, I wrapped myself completely in work.
Work, and . . . other things . . .
I was kind of trying to keep my distance from Anne and Parker, mostly out of jealousy and immaturity. But then I realized, I don't need Anne to make my life complete. Sure, having her as a friend would be spectacular, but I won't fawn all over her like before.
I've changed now. I'm not that person anymore.
current mood:  blank
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| Wednesday, October 29th, 2003
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11:36 pm - A Wolfram & Hart Halloween Party . . .
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Apparently under-the-table employees of Wolfram & Hart get invited to their shindigs as well. I have to say, it was nice to celebrate my return to town at a big party. The Wolfram & Hart Halloween bash was certainly one for the books after all, after a rather dull start. After careful consideration, I decided to be off the wall and go as James Bond. I always said I looked hot in a tux.
At first it didn't seem like much was happening, and I heard a couple of people muttering about how last year's sambuca-soaked effigy of Krishna was much better. Whatever that meant. There was this hot little number in a skimpy dress walking around early on, but she disappeared with the boss soon after that. Only one person (who I suddenly recognized as, of all people, fellow Sunnydale alum Harmony Kendall) was dancing. Now I'm not sure, but I don't think the clodhopping she was doing could be categorized as "dancing." It was more like a vertically positioned epileptic seizure, if you ask me.
I saw Anne and Parker being coupley, but kept my distance. The two of them were dressed like Monty Python characters, Anne as one of the virgins from the Castle Anthrax and Parker as (chuckle chuckle) Sir Galahad the Chaste. I also saw Morrigan, looking completely fetching in a tavern wench outfit that accentuated all of her assets favorably.
Then a little while in, all of a sudden, this rush just seemed to come over just about everyone in the room and we all just ran onto the dance floor. It was like we all just took ecstacy at the same time. Everyone was dancing, and singing, all having a good time. The only thing that broke the party mood was this huge green dude who looked like the Jolly Green Giant in Liberace's loungewear who came out of nowhere and started attacking people.
At that point, I decided it was an opportune time for a potty break, but when I got there, there was a huge puddle of black goo in one of the stalls and the room stank so bad that I had to find a private bathroom to take care of my business. Although from the smell of some of the potted plants, other people at the party weren't quite as considerate. And by the time I made it back to the party, the Jolly Green Giant had disappeared and things were winding down. So I came on home.
All in all that Lorne fellow sure knows how to throw a party. Can't wait to see what they do for Christmas . . .
current mood:  cheerful
current music: "Love & Desire"
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| Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
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1:55 pm - The Intrepid Reporter Hath Returned . . .
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I'm sorry I've been MIA for the last couple of weeks. I just needed to get out of Los Angeles and clear my head. Everything with Anne and Parker just had me seething, so I needed to escape for a while. I drove south to see the crater formerly known as Sunnydale first. How many people can actually have the satisfaction of seeing their shithole of a hometown become a crater? Well, after about five seconds of standing there staring into the crater, I'd had enough of that and I turned around and drove back north.
Then I drove to the beach, and lay in a beach chair and drank mai tais for the rest of the time. Occasionally I'd go for walks, or I'd swim. What no one really knows about me is I'm actually a really good swimmer. I just refused to join the Sunnydale High swim team with numb-nuts like Gage Petronzi or Cameron Walker. Of course, look what happened to them . . . So maybe the Sentinel was the best place for me after all.
Anyway, I spent a lot of that time on the beach relaxing and reflecting. If Parker is what makes Anne happy, then she deserves to be happy. If Parker is the guy I remember from UC Sunnydale, he'll eventually shoot himself in the foot and Anne will see him for the guy he really is. But I'm not going to try to come between them. I will just be a good friend to Anne and be there for her when the bottom falls out.
Speaking of Anne, it seems she had a rather unpleasant experience while I was away. Turning into K'lyazar? I can't believe it. How horrible was that for her? She must have been terrified. But I'm glad she got to the bottom of it. I knew Amy Madison was into some crazy shit back in Sunnydale, what with that whole turning into a rat thing, but I didn't know she was capable of turning someone into a demon. Note to self: Stay away from Amy Madison.
Anyway, so I'm back in town. Reporting to work tomorrow, but tonight I think I'll head to the teen shelter and see how Ms. Steele is doing . . .
current mood: rejuvenated
current music: "The Boys Are Back In Town"
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| Thursday, October 9th, 2003
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6:02 pm - I'm so moving . . . .
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Only in this stinkhole of a state would anyone elect the actor who made Junior, End of Days, and Twins to be governor. I can't believe it. I'd rather the Evil Hand have won. At least the Hand has an excuse for not having a brain . . . .
//Firewall against Parker and Anne//
Met with Hank Summers about a possible alliance against Panne, the second most-loathed couple in America (the first being Affleck and J.Lo's butt). I have no idea how to get Anne to see that Parker's bad news. She's already more or less told me that the issue is not up for open discussion. I feel bad about going behind her back since I know she'd be furious, but -- and Mr. Summers agrees -- I have to make her see that Parker's wrong for her. Mr. Summers and I are going to work out something, some way of achieving our goal. I hope.
//Firewall against Mr. Summers//
I didn't have the heart to tell Mr. Summers everything I know about Parker's days at UC Sunnydale. It's not my place to tell him about his own daughter and Parker. I have a feeling that tidbit should come out in its own good time . . .
//End firewalls against Mr. Summers, Parker and Anne//
current mood:  aggravated
current music: "You and I Both" -- Jason Mraz
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2003
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6:40 pm - This is Awful . . . .
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//Firewall against Parker and Anne//
Parker and Anne are getting all coupley. I can't stand this. I feel like someone ran over me with a Buick. I'm the one who saved her from a demon, dammit! And what thanks do I get? First she goes all hell-hath-no-fury on everybody, mostly me. Then she finally regains her sanity, but starts seeing Parker. (On second thought, scrap the sanity.) And to make matters worse, everyone seems to prefer him to me. Even the news is giving him credit for my work. Asshats.
//End firewall//
Life is great. I'm so happy I could spit. That is all.
current mood: chipper
current music: "Sweet Surrender" -- Sarah McLachlan
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| Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
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11:45 pm
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Not much happened today. Just another busy day at work. Caught wind through our demon-supplied grapevine that a Wolfram & Hart-sponsored shoot-out took place at a private school this afternoon. I'm charged with writing that article.
And thanks to Wolfram & Hart, another bad guy got off today. Corbin Fries was granted a mistrial today when his attorney, a Mr.Gunn, revealed that the judge presiding over the case has stock in one of Fries' companies. I'm sure my old buddy Parker had something to do with the mistrial. Damn him. And damn Wolfram & Hart. As long as they're pulling strings, the guilty will always go free, and the innocent will always be punished. If I could get to management, I'd give them a piece of my mind.
I'd take Mom out of their rehab facility if she weren't doing so well in the program. I called her a little while ago. She's not mad at me anymore, which is good. She's still struggling, but it seems to be getting easier for her every day. We've both been through some dark times lately, she and I. But maybe things are looking up. I'm planning to visit the teen center again. It's been a long time since I was there, since before all the animosity with Anne. I hope this is the start of better things for both Mom and me.
current mood: optimistic
current music: "Pavlov's Bell" -- Aimee Mann
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| Sunday, September 28th, 2003
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10:59 pm - Strange things are happ'nin' to me . . . .
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I woke up a little while ago to find myself on the floor of my mom's room at the rehab facility with a pillow. The weird thing is, I don't remember why I was here. I remember being at Anne's apartment last night, and I remember making up with her, but I don't remember why I had reason to be there. Every time I think back for a reason, it's all fuzzy. I can't really remember why I was mad at her in the first place. And every time I try to look back at my previous entries, I just get error messages.
I have to go back to work on Monday. I really don't want to. I really don't like it there. They overrode this story I did last week on the presidential election for being "too uninteresting." Excuse me for wanting to write an honest-to-goodness article on something real. I think I need to find something else. The paper's not doing it for me anymore, if it ever was.
current mood:  confused
current music: "Strange Things" -- Randy Newman
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1:23 pm - Last Goodbye
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I'm spending the last few hours of my pathetic little existence with my mom at the Wolfram & Hart rehab facility. I said all my goodbyes to those I care about. (Sorry, Parker, you don't really fall under that category. Asshat.) Anyway, if this is indeed the end, it was a blast, folks. And I got to hang with Anne one last time. Okay, this is Freddy Iverson, signing off.
current mood: morose
current music: "Time of your Life" -- Green Day
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| Saturday, September 27th, 2003
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11:44 pm - It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine . . .
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I'm at Anne's. She's sleeping. Don't worry, I didn't take a page from the Parker Abrams Book of How to Woo Women. I've been a perfect gentleman. I don't know if I should stay or leave. I'm not tired.
We kind of made peace over the events of the last couple of weeks. I actually admitted I was the one who was to blame for her getting kidnapped. I'd been trying to sublimate that fact ever since it happened, but I finally realized the simple truth: No matter how you look at it, if it weren't for me, Anne never would have been placed in danger. So it was entirely my fault.
She apologized for going psycho on everyone. She said she's found a nice medium between the Anne we know and . . . um . . . care about, and the new, more carefree Anne. I am actually more relieved than I can say, she's back to normal. Of course, the whole apocalypse thing may put a damper on our renewed friendship . . .
She was so far into her own darkness that she had no idea the end was coming. At least, I think it's coming. That's the word from some of my contacts at the paper. But anyway, I told her all I knew, that some big apocalypse was coming tomorrow, and she kind of was quiet for a while, and then she started to cry softly. I didn't want to hug her, because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so I just kind of put my hand on her back. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying, too. Just seeing her so scared and small made me sad. We just kind of stayed that way for a while, her curled up on the couch, me sitting next to her, my hand on her back. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep. I watched her sleeping. Just watched. She looked so peaceful, even with the tears drying on her cheeks.
After a while, I got up and came in here to try and decide what to do. I don't know if I will stay or not. I'm sure it'd be okay with her, as long as I didn't trash the place, but it just feels wrong somehow. Like I'd be defiling it somehow. I might just go sit in the chair next to the couch for a while, in case she wakes and needs something . . . .
Actually, this has not been the worst way to spend the last night of my life.
current mood: drained
current music: some emo crap
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1:22 pm
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Great. First, I get humiliated at the Wolfram & Hart party by Anne and Parker, who then take to shagging all over Los Angeles. Then, the honest and unflinching article I wrote about said party, and my personal embarrassment at the hands of said Parker and said Anne, gets overridden by Morrigan Jameson for making Wolfram & Hart look bad. Seems my bosses at the paper are just a little bit in Wolfram & Hart's pocket. Now, there are rumblings that the world is going to end tomorrow.
A guy just can't win.
current mood: aggravated
current music: some Coldplay song
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| Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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11:43 pm
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So Parker thought it'd be funny to call my boss and make sure I write the article on the Wolfram & Hart party, eh? He'll see. They'll both see exactly what I have in store for them. The article will go to print for Friday's paper. And then Parker and Anne will rue the day they met me.
current mood: rejuvenated
current music: "More Human Than Human" -- Rob Zombie
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| Sunday, September 21st, 2003
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2:58 am - I. Am. PISSED OFF!!!!!!!
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Fuck her. Fuck him. Fuck them both. I have so fucking had it with this namby-pamby crap. I laid my heart out there for her at the end and she didn't. Fucking. Bat. An. Eye. I have to make him pay. She's completely different than she was. I know part of it is my fault, but I did not deserve what those fuckers did to me at that party. Anne ambushed me and then humiliated me in public, after she let that goddamn scumbag fuck her. I know his history, I could write a fucking book on his sexual escapades in college. God, he's such a sleaze. Why did she pick him of all people to act out with? How dare she? One thing's for sure, though: They will both pay. Dearly.
current mood: enraged
current music: "Break Stuff" -- Limp Bizkit
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1:38 am - At the Wolfram & Hart Party
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I have no idea why I'm here. I'm not having any fun. All I see are a sea of celebrities and various pretty people. I feel overdressed in a tux. Silly me; I actually expected this to be a professional, formal affair. Should have known a fundraiser for a horny appendage thrown by UC Sunnydale's former Big Jerk on Campus would just completely suck.
Just saw Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston feverishly downing vodka and tonics at the bar, not really talking to each other. And there's Angelina Jolie, surrounded by a gaggle of adoring teenyboppers. (Just how old are they anyway?) And -- oh boy -- Parker's taking to the stage to get to speechifying. How enlightening. *Note the sarcasm.* And just over there, there's this attractive blond girl in this knockout outfit . . . she looks really pretty . . . and familiar . . . oh crap.
current mood: shocked
current music: "Harder to Breathe" -- Maroon 5
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| Friday, September 19th, 2003
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9:32 pm
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I took a trip to see Mom today at the Wolfram & Hart rehab facility. She's angrier than I've ever seen her for putting her in that place, and she's been verbally abusive to the nurses and doctors there. I keep trying to insist it's for her own good and that I'm not taking her home until she learns to live without her firewater. She can just sit there and rot for all I care. I'm so relieved that I don't have to worry about her welfare all the time, wonder what mindless loser she's taken up with this week.
Wolfram & Hart seems to be preparing for a big shindig this weekend. I know that they're involved in the gubernatorial campaign for the Hand, an evil appendage attached to Wolfram & Hart attorney Lindsey McDonald. I didn't believe the story either at first, but my connections at National News Weekly assure me it's legit. Of course, I'd heard about the Hand's campaign, but didn't know exactly what the Hand was. But hey, if movie stars and former child stars can run for governor, why can't evil appendages? It is an equal-opportunity country, after all. I wonder if the preparations at W & H are for the Hand. However, word is, the Hand, Mr. McDonald, and most of the other higher-ups (including Morrigan) are in Canada on some kind of retreat. Maybe it's for something else then . . . .Hmmmm, I smell a story here . . . .
Anne and I are still on the outs. Nothing new to report there. I'm tired of trying to make up with her. I apologized and meant it, and she's still giving me the cold shoulder. I don't need her, anyway. I was a loner for years before I came to Los Angeles, and I can go back to being a loner. So good riddance to bitchy rubbish.
current mood: disappointed
current music: "Goodbye to You" -- Michelle Branch
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| Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
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2:23 pm - Long Time No Post
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I've been out of pocket working on a big story for the paper. Apparently someone called in and reported some three-headed kittens being born in Sausalito. So I drove up there, only to find out that of course, the three-headed kittens were nothing but bollocks. Apparently, whoever answers the tip hotline at National News Weekly can't discern the difference between a genuine tip and some kids playing pranks. So, when I got back on the road to come home, some obscure thing in the car went out and I had to call a towtruck and be towed back into Sausalito.
When the mechanic looked at the car, he rattled off a whole bunch of technical jargon Rodney Munson might have understood if he weren't six feet under. It all went right over my head . . . never been much of a gearhead. The one thing I did understand ("part won't be in til tomorrow") I didn't like. After ranting and raving for a couple of minutes, I calmed down enough to think it through.
Being in Sausalito for a few days wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It gave me a chance to clear my head of all the shit with Anne and Mom, and all that's happened in the last few weeks. I'm still not sure what happened there. K'lyazar was supposed to be handled by Morrigan and FlunkyYancey. I need to figure out some way to make it up to Anne. She seems to have undergone this massive change in personality. I know it couldn't all have been because of the K'lyazar incident. This has to have been going on for some time, beneath the surface. Like, she's been holding it all in for eons, behind her sweet facade, and being kidnapped just brought it all to the surface. I know she had a rough past. What if this angry version was the real her all along? . . .
Anyway, so I stayed in this divey place in Sausalito and tried to sort out everything. It didn't really work. I came home just as confused as I left. But I did decide one thing: Whatever it takes for Anne to get out of this funk she's in, we'll do . . .
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Friday, September 12th, 2003
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11:52 pm
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Apparently, I'm not the only one who's going through some changes as a result of the K'lyazar episode. Anne has done a total 360 from the sweet, kind girl we used to know and love. She's really pissed at me for putting her in the position to be kidnapped, which, if she would look at the situation rationally, she'd realize I didn't do. I stayed away from the center like she asked me to. There was no way K'lyazar could have found her by following me. She's overreacting, and I hope this is just some sort of phase.
In other news, Mom is now at Wolfram & Hart's rehab facility and out of my apartment, thank God. Thanks to Morrigan for setting that up. I need to talk to her and find out how we can help Anne get back to a rational frame of mind . . .
current mood: worried
current music: "Flagpole Sitta" -- Harvey Danger
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| Thursday, September 11th, 2003
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1:43 am - Reporter Returns
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I've been gone for a while. I needed to take some time and figure out a few things. The other night was rough. Killing K'lyazar was definitely not in the cards for me beforehand. I just wanted to save Anne, was all. I really wasn't thinking about my own life being in danger. All I could think of was getting to her and keeping him from hurting her. Now she's been acting so strangely. I'll stop by the center and she'll busy herself doing other things. I think it scared her, the whole thing. Seeing me kill something -- even an evil demon -- probably wasn't the best thing to witness.
The truth is, it's hard for me to take, as well. It's been all I can think about lately. I have the blood of another living being on my hands. The night I killed K'lyazar, I just felt this rage inside me. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. I can still feel it, roiling beneath my skin like an angry shark under the surface of a calm ocean. Damn, that's deep. It frightens me, and makes me wonder: Once you kill someone, does it become an addiction? Does it spin out of control? Is this how Dahmer or Bundy started?
I need to talk to Morrigan. She knows from badness, seeing as how she was like, Queen of All Evil or some such shit. I'm going to Wolfram & Hart tomorrow to put Mom in rehab. I'm tired of this pussyfooting around it. She needs help, more than I am willing to give or can give. I'm tired of dealing with her. She will be put away.
I keep trying to tell myself it's only because she drinks and not because I'm trying to keep her safe from me . . .
current mood: annoyed
current music: "Never Is A Promise" -- Fiona Apple
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| Saturday, September 6th, 2003
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8:47 pm - Ohhhhhhh crap . . . . .
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No matter how bad things have been for me lately, they just got, like, a million trillion times worse. Yeah. K'lyazar -- that demon Morrigan and Yancey were supposed to have taken care of for me -- is still after me. And what's worse . . . he's got Anne! That's where she's been the last two days, that's why no one could find her. K'lyazar kidnapped her and is holding her in an abandoned warehouse across town. He just called me at my apartment to tell me he wants me to face him like a man. (Which is kind of ironic, seeing as how he's not a man, but I have more important things to dwell on momentarily.) He demanded that I come see him, alone, if I want to see her alive.
I am so terrified. I know it's up to me to go save Anne, since it's my fault she's in danger, but I have no idea how to go up against a demon. I wish I could find Morrigan, she'd know what to do. It's time to take responsibility for my actions and face my demons -- or just demon, in this case. Oh, god, poor Anne. I hope whatever happens, she'll be okay. I deserve what I get, but she doesn't deserve any of this . . .
current mood:  scared
current music: The Funeral March
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| Friday, September 5th, 2003
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1:08 am - Journalist Can't Think Of Subject Heading
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Today I had a meeting with Morrigan at lunchtime about putting Mom in Wolfram & Hart's rehab facility. Morrigan made me promise that Mom would actually put an effort forth with her rehab, and not just waste the doctors' time and our money. I vowed that I would do my best to get Mom to cooperate, but actually getting her to do so is another matter entirely. I have no idea how to do that. It's kind of an issue of getting her good and buttered up and content, then kind of springing it on her unexpectedly. I think this weekend I'll take her out for dinner at a nice restaurant, then see how she is, then kind of broach the subject and see how it goes over.
In other news, I found out from Morrigan that she had some sort of psychic reading done by this anagogic demon, goes by the name Lorne. Supposedly he listens to you sing and can read certain things from when you do. I figured I could use a little guidance with my mom and my life in general, so I asked where I could find him. Well, apparently, he works at Wolfram & Hart as the head of their Entertainment division, but he sometimes frequents the local karaoke bars. So tonight, I hit the streets. I found him in the back corner of a little bar on Mariposa called Brass Monkey, just listening to the people sing. He's a rather interesting looking fella, bleached blond hair, green scaly skin, red eyes. After my initial shock, I sat and talked to him.
I told him I was a friend of Morrigan's and that I needed a little help with my current situation, and he obliged me kindly. When I asked him if he came to this bar often, he said something like "Well, sweetie, it ain't Caritas, but it'll do for what ails ya." He told me to get up and sing a song for him, so he could get a good read. After much pondering, I settled on a Tom Petty song, "Mary Jane's Last Dance." It's a morbid, creepy kind of song I really like. After psyching myself up, I got up and sang it for him. Now I've never been a great singer, but I can certainly carry a tune. I was a little nervous at first, but once I got into it, I was okay. Tom Petty's pretty easy to sing.
But when I got back to Lorne's table, he looked shocked, as if he had seen something terrible. I asked him what was wrong, and he said something I'm not really sure if I heard right. I have to work it out in my head before I post it here, try to make sense of it before I can think about what it means and how to relate to it. He wasn't real keen on me after that for some reason though, so I beat a hasty retreat out into the L.A. night.
I thought I would head out to the teen center and see Anne, she told me she works late a lot, but she wasn't there. Then I came home and checked to see if she had entered an entry in her journal, but she hadn't. I wonder where she could be . . .
current mood: curious
current music: "Mary Jane's Last Dance" -- Tom Petty
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